Monday, February 27, 2006

Desperate Times Calls for Desperate Measures

Sorry about yesterday’s cryptic post… I was feeling down about my food issues. Food seems to have this tight grip around my brain and won’t let go. I have a momentary lapse in my eating, feel like crap about it, beat myself up, decide the day is shot and might as well continue eating badly and start fresh tomorrow. Blah, blah, blah. The cycle repeats itself again and again. I’m not even sure if it’s self-sabotage. I feel like I’m simply weak minded.

I’m feeling very scattered and very lost. I KNOW what to do. It’s the implementation that’s killing me. It’s so simple, why do I make it so hard on myself? Why can’t I be disciplined? Why do I allow Peanut Butter to have control over my life? Peanut butter was last week, but who knows what the trigger has been in the past and who knows what it’ll be in the future. I just feel out of control. Deep breath.

As I said, I KNOW what I need to do but then again I don’t. I’m at a loss on how to gain control before I wind up back where I was: FAT. I’d actually love to try the hypnotherapy route, but I don’t know if I’d be “receptive” on a subconscious level. That, and we’re getting ready to move in to our new house and we have very expensive taste in the furnishings department so I’d really rather not spend a load of money on something I don’t even know will work for me.

I don’t remember dealing with this lack of control while I was in full swing during my BFL challenge. I had bad days, and I’d beat myself up over it, but I’d move on and start fresh without the snowball effect.

OK, so for the desperate measures I’m taking… I’ve decided to do a cleansing fast for today and possibly for the next three days if I can hold out that long. It’s a crazy, stupid idea. However, I’m hoping that by doing the fast I’ll gain some sense of control over how much and what type of food I choose to fuel my body. I tried a cleansing fast last year and I binged on a bag of Cheetos at the three day point, but after that I started to only crave whole, natural foods like brown rice, vegetables, clean proteins. It seemed to kind of spur on a newfound sense of purpose and determination with regards to my level of fitness and with food. Maybe. Or maybe I’m just making this up??? What the heck am I doing? I’m confused as hell and desperate to stop the cycle and move on into full swing mode so I can meet some of my freakin’ goals.

I made it to the gym this morning and I’ve had so much liquid I’ve spent most of the day back and forth from my office to the restroom. I’ve gone the whole day with no solid food and my stomach is rumbling. I’ve got to go home and cook dinner for my husband. I’ll let you know if I come to my senses by tomorrow morning.

And, again, thanks from the bottom of my heart for the continued encouragement, advice and blendship.

xo, Rachel

7 Comments:

At 10:47 PM, Blogger Pamela said...

Hi Hon, there's so much I'd love to yack with you about all this...you sound like me ...alot :) I've gone through the same sort of thought patterns especially recently..
email me ..Mistress_lala@hotmail.com & I'll get you my # to call me if you wanna chat :)

For now take care hon..

Hugs Lala*

 
At 11:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so know what you are saying. FOOD, why is it so hard to control my eating??? I just WANT stuff. I love reading how some are able to stick to thier diets without fail, but HOW DO THEY DO IT?? There's GOT to be some secret they are not sharing. Hang in there, we are all in this together and feel your pain. We CAN do this. WE CAN.

 
At 7:26 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

I can't really say anything about the fasting - I've personally never tried it. I think I'd last about 15 minutes, just knowing I wasn't supposed to eat.

I am glad that your back in the game, regardless of how you decide to approach it.

If'ing it were me I'd look at the new house as a metaphor for cleaning up your physical dwelling and your physcial body. I very much connect my home with my body. If my house is a mess I'm a mess and vice-versa. I'll let it get to a point and then I do a through house-cleaning of both. Some Hindu or was it Buddist thing I read once that if you don't keep your home and body clean and healthy the Gods and Goddesses who with within and around you will get disgusted and live. Every once in a while I get that feeling - ah, shit their packing, I'd better get my act together.

Sorry for the long post. Glad to see you're back.

Laurie

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Erin said...

hmmmm.... I'm not sure how I feel about the fasting thing, but I totally support you if you think it's going to help with the FOOD/CONTROL issues. Just make sure it's not some kind of subconscious desire to "get skinny by not eating"... we all know where those kind of plans end up.

Hope that didn't come across as negative... I'm really proud of you for thinking through and confronting these issues. A lot of the same things have been on my mind lately.

I hope you're having a GREAT day today!!

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Deb said...

Hi Rachel...I keep hearing this same thing over and over. I've been riding this wave myself.

Do you realize that spring will be here in 20 days?? Don't see this as a time to panic because spring is coming and you're not ready. See this as the light at the end of the tunnel! Winter is almost over!!

Something will click in you and you can't force it. When it's ready to click it will, plain and simple. All you can do is wake up each day and try to start over!!

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger FV Tom said...

Blendship - great word!

You can do this. Just get your biggest muscle (your brain) wrapped around this thing. You can do anything when that happens.

Good luck, we're with you!

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Thanks to all of you. It's starting to click. I'm gonna pull through.

xoxoxoxo, Rachel

 

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