Desperate Times Calls for Desperate Measures

Sorry about yesterday’s cryptic post… I was feeling down about my food issues. Food seems to have this tight grip around my brain and won’t let go. I have a momentary lapse in my eating, feel like crap about it, beat myself up, decide the day is shot and might as well continue eating badly and start fresh tomorrow. Blah, blah, blah. The cycle repeats itself again and again. I’m not even sure if it’s self-sabotage. I feel like I’m simply weak minded.

I’m feeling very scattered and very lost. I KNOW what to do. It’s the implementation that’s killing me. It’s so simple, why do I make it so hard on myself? Why can’t I be disciplined? Why do I allow Peanut Butter to have control over my life? Peanut butter was last week, but who knows what the trigger has been in the past and who knows what it’ll be in the future. I just feel out of control. Deep breath.

As I said, I KNOW what I need to do but then again I don’t. I’m at a loss on how to gain control before I wind up back where I was: FAT. I’d actually love to try the hypnotherapy route, but I don’t know if I’d be “receptive” on a subconscious level. That, and we’re getting ready to move in to our new house and we have very expensive taste in the furnishings department so I’d really rather not spend a load of money on something I don’t even know will work for me.

I don’t remember dealing with this lack of control while I was in full swing during my BFL challenge. I had bad days, and I’d beat myself up over it, but I’d move on and start fresh without the snowball effect.

OK, so for the desperate measures I’m taking… I’ve decided to do a cleansing fast for today and possibly for the next three days if I can hold out that long. It’s a crazy, stupid idea. However, I’m hoping that by doing the fast I’ll gain some sense of control over how much and what type of food I choose to fuel my body. I tried a cleansing fast last year and I binged on a bag of Cheetos at the three day point, but after that I started to only crave whole, natural foods like brown rice, vegetables, clean proteins. It seemed to kind of spur on a newfound sense of purpose and determination with regards to my level of fitness and with food. Maybe. Or maybe I’m just making this up??? What the heck am I doing? I’m confused as hell and desperate to stop the cycle and move on into full swing mode so I can meet some of my freakin’ goals.

I made it to the gym this morning and I’ve had so much liquid I’ve spent most of the day back and forth from my office to the restroom. I’ve gone the whole day with no solid food and my stomach is rumbling. I’ve got to go home and cook dinner for my husband. I’ll let you know if I come to my senses by tomorrow morning.

And, again, thanks from the bottom of my heart for the continued encouragement, advice and blendship.

xo, Rachel