What do people REALLY want from a relationship?
Bear with me. I’ve only had two hours of sleep and my brain isn’t functioning at it’s highest, so this post isn’t very cohesive…
On to my question... What do people REALLY want from a relationship?
Is it possible to be too giving? Does it encourage the recipient to take advantage of the giver or resent the giver or become bored with the giver? Do you think it’s true that in a relationship one person loves more than the other? Is it possible to maintain the intensity of love in a relationship? Or is it cyclic?
All those nice things I said about my husband… I’m temporarily rescinding my previous comments. I know we’ll overcome this current hiccup, but right now I’m really questioning some things about our relationship. I want to be my true self – and that happens to be loving and giving, but at what cost? I believe we all deserve to feel cherished in our relationships and I certainly don’t feel that today.
He had lasik surgery on both eyes last week. There was a complication and he had to have seven stitches in one eye to stabilize the flap that gets cut prior to the laser part of the procedure. He was also told he has glaucoma (but needs to schedule a visit with his regular optometrist to confirm the diagnosis), so perhaps he’s feeling overwhelmed and scared about his vision and he lashed out at me because he doesn't know what to do with that fear? He certainly hasn't expressed any concern to me, but he always wears a brave face, so who knows what's going on in his head. Even if that's the case, I can’t give him a pass for his very hurtful comment that made me question why he even asked me to marry him.
Or maybe I think there was some truth to his comment and the truth hurts??? Maybe I’m being too sensitive?
I went up to bed and he eventually came up to apologize… but only after his show was over (it was the season finale of LOST). I think that’s what hurts the most. He realized he needed to apologize, but he couldn’t be bothered until after the show??? Ouch. I’m upstairs with my heart thumping in my throat and he couldn’t pull himself away from the damn T.V. I don’t feel very high on his priority list. Perhaps I should have told him I accepted his apology and moved on, but I asked him to please stop (he was kissing my face) and he ended up sleeping on the couch for the first time in our five-year relationship. I left for work this morning without even saying goodbye. I never know how to handle conflict.
BAH!
posted by Rachel @ 9:12 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
I think that a lot of times guys just don't "think." He's obvioulsy stressed, and quite obviously didn't choose his words right, and didn't apoligize until AFTER his show was over... I would have been upset, too. Stress does cause people to say and do things they normally wouldn't do.
I'm kind of surprised that his doctor gave the okay to do Lasik when there was a possibility of glaucoma. Someone between the docs at the lasik place and his optometrist dropped the ball there... I hope he will come out of this okay. The eye is quite amazing and heals quite fast. (I'm an optical tech.)
*HUGS*
~Irene
Great question. For me and my relationship, the answer continually changes- which is what makes asking the question important.
And I think Lost is the most disappointing show on TV, which would make me extra mad about him waiting to apologize :)
((Love and hugs))
only have sec here hon.. but I think the girls have pointed out some important things..one the stress probably fear,anger & the fact that he ( & a lot of men bury things under a Brave face) & we end up with the blunt end of it . Sorry that last night went the way it did & that it didn't get sorted this AM ... Try to talk to him in a calm momment when you get home.. hope it sorts out..the Love you have for each other I'm sure will overrule..:D
But ..& I say this feeling very old at this time - this is a very "normal' thing in so many realtionships -the ups & downs..life is full of them .It's the working it thru & talking about it after that strengthens things..
BIG HUGS to you both :D
Wow, tough one. I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch. My only advice is that I while I know it's hard to get past an incident that's staring you in the face, don't judge your entire relationship on one incident. It wasn't created by a single moment and it shouldn't be disregarded in one either. By no means, am I saying he should get a free pass for being so great all the other times.
I hope you two can talk about this and move forward soon.
Thank you for the kind words on our loss.
Laurie
PS I love "Lost" and my husband and I are both addicted, but that said we know how to pause it and record it to watch later.
I don't handle conflict very well either, and usually wind up making things worse because I think things are over if they aren't going smoothly! I know you have been together for a long time now, but you are still newlyweds, and marriage changes a lot of things. The first year is definitely the most difficult, as you are both learning life together on a different scale. I think you have every right to be upset, and even more right to be upset that he waited until after his show before he came to you. The most important thing here is effective communication and openness. He is more than likely lashing out because he's holding his stress and emotions at bay. BUT...there is a difference between communicating and just being someone's verbal punching bag. You two definitely need to talk things out, and find out what the root of the problem is..and do it soon before you make more out of this than there already is. If you overthink everything, it's only going to snowball on you, so try to talk to him...let him know how much his words hurt you and how much you just really want him to talk to you. It may take him a while to learn to really talk, but I'm confident you two can work through this and things will only get better! Laurie makes an excellent point, and keep this in mind, as your marriage is still new. Do not question your whole relationship based on this one incident. It is one hiccup, and hiccups go away! Hang in there hon, I know things will be fine!
Rach, first, a big hug for you ...
I feel like I have gotten to know you well enough to know that we are very much like me in that we are very sensitive souls, and I understand why you are feeling the way you do ... but .... I do have to agree with Pam, working through the ups and downs of a marriage is all part of journey.
Men .. we're problem solvers. When something is facing us we have no power over, it can be a very, very emotionally confusing and exhausting experience for us.
I'm quite certain he probably regrets whatever it is he said, and is feeling guilty.
Just talk to him, and make sure you explain how you feel.
Jim
xoxoxo
Hi There...
This is in regards to your comment on my blog :) When you get your eye pressures tested, the instruments give a numerical reading. A number over 20 may mean the patient is a suspect for glaucoma. Other factors could make that number high, such as medications, time of day, or other health issues. If a patient tests high we usually retest with a different instrument or retest on another day, just to make sure everything is okay. It sounds like they did retest. I hope everything turns out okay for you both.
Take care! :)
OH, Rachel. I have completely been through the same thing... how can a guy who seems so amazing and can be really thoughtful and sweet just completely blow it like that?... almost like you were imagining the good stuff and wonder if you were fooled about them the whole time. Well, there have already been so many great comments, but I will pile on. First, I'm sure he's stressed about the eyes. Second, guys just aren't always as perceptive as we want them to be and when they screw up like this it's not intentional to hurt us. Third, I have had those moments where some little thing causes me to question my whole relationship, but things end up feeling better than ever at some point after that.
((hugs)) and I hope you get back to that "better than ever" point again soon :)
boys, boys, boys...
they can't pull our hair anymore like in grade school when they don't know what to say to us, but they can lash out with words. I have yet to decide which one hurts the most.
My dear, loving, testosterone filled hubby does this to me all the time. It wasn't until this last year (we are in our 8th year) that it dawned on me that "Oh, he is upset and bothered by something"
I finally learned to just breathe, say "OK honey" and walk away.
I then have a 10 minute conversation with myself about how it isn't me, work must be stressfull right now and he just doesn't know how to handle it.
We get in the most fights when he takes it out on the kiddos or the animals - then I get a bit mama bear on him.
But we have both learned our breaking points, and let me tell you something else - I have questioned our decision to be together on many many occasions, it is normal. Once things die down a bit, you will both be able to talk to each other rationally and this will all be over and done with.
Doesn't help how ya feel at this moment I know, but I guarentee he will come around in a little while and he will spill his entire guts. Guys don't grow up learning to express their feelings like we do, so it doesn't come easily.
Hugs to ya, hang in there :>
THANK YOU ALL for the very thoughtful comments. We haven’t had a chance to talk (he had to take a trip to the coast to have his stitches removed), but I’ll be sure to sit down with him this weekend and have an honest discussion about how he may be feeling with his fears about possible vision loss and let him know I love him unconditionally for who he is… Before he left he was being extra sweet to me, so I know he feels bad. In fact, he quickly told me that his hurtful comment was by no means directed at me, but at a situation he’s dealing with involving a friend of ours.
I just have to figure out an effective way to communicate how I need to be a little higher on his priority list than LOST - effective being the key word.
Have a happy Memorial Day weekend! Be safe!!!
Lots of love, Rachel
Rach, you've been tagged !!
see my blog for details.
Rachel, I'm glad things are looking up some at home for you. I remembered what some very good friends of ours was told us when we were getting married . . . it's like a dance, you both have to work at it and watch your step.
Thank you for your very kind words on my blog about the loss of our puppy. That was very sweet. Thank you.
Laurie
Rach...I hope you are doing o.k. Yep..I know what you mean about the relationship thing. I think it's just part of being a couple. I hope your husband is doing o.k. with his eye issues. Love you, Dede
Hey Rachel, sure hope this has gotten figured out and you guys are having fun. I hate conflict. I'm horrible at it.
hugs!
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