Desperate Times Calls for Desperate Measures

Sorry about yesterday’s cryptic post… I was feeling down about my food issues. Food seems to have this tight grip around my brain and won’t let go. I have a momentary lapse in my eating, feel like crap about it, beat myself up, decide the day is shot and might as well continue eating badly and start fresh tomorrow. Blah, blah, blah. The cycle repeats itself again and again. I’m not even sure if it’s self-sabotage. I feel like I’m simply weak minded.

I’m feeling very scattered and very lost. I KNOW what to do. It’s the implementation that’s killing me. It’s so simple, why do I make it so hard on myself? Why can’t I be disciplined? Why do I allow Peanut Butter to have control over my life? Peanut butter was last week, but who knows what the trigger has been in the past and who knows what it’ll be in the future. I just feel out of control. Deep breath.

As I said, I KNOW what I need to do but then again I don’t. I’m at a loss on how to gain control before I wind up back where I was: FAT. I’d actually love to try the hypnotherapy route, but I don’t know if I’d be “receptive” on a subconscious level. That, and we’re getting ready to move in to our new house and we have very expensive taste in the furnishings department so I’d really rather not spend a load of money on something I don’t even know will work for me.

I don’t remember dealing with this lack of control while I was in full swing during my BFL challenge. I had bad days, and I’d beat myself up over it, but I’d move on and start fresh without the snowball effect.

OK, so for the desperate measures I’m taking… I’ve decided to do a cleansing fast for today and possibly for the next three days if I can hold out that long. It’s a crazy, stupid idea. However, I’m hoping that by doing the fast I’ll gain some sense of control over how much and what type of food I choose to fuel my body. I tried a cleansing fast last year and I binged on a bag of Cheetos at the three day point, but after that I started to only crave whole, natural foods like brown rice, vegetables, clean proteins. It seemed to kind of spur on a newfound sense of purpose and determination with regards to my level of fitness and with food. Maybe. Or maybe I’m just making this up??? What the heck am I doing? I’m confused as hell and desperate to stop the cycle and move on into full swing mode so I can meet some of my freakin’ goals.

I made it to the gym this morning and I’ve had so much liquid I’ve spent most of the day back and forth from my office to the restroom. I’ve gone the whole day with no solid food and my stomach is rumbling. I’ve got to go home and cook dinner for my husband. I’ll let you know if I come to my senses by tomorrow morning.

And, again, thanks from the bottom of my heart for the continued encouragement, advice and blendship.

xo, Rachel

No title needed...

On the DL? Day 9 of 84

My knee and hamstring are really giving me a hard time. Yesterday’s lower body workout suffered as a result, as did my HIIT today. I might have to switch from HIIT to MISS or LISS. I’m not a super big fan of MISS and LISS… so boring. Better update my iPod. And better quit talking about making an appointment with the doctor and actually get one made.

In other news… I’m 5 feet, 6 inches tall. 5' 6"!!!! I’m so excited about this… I can’t even tell you!!!! I have people tell me that I seem taller than 5’ 4 3/4” (which I’ve believed myself to be for years – I just round up to 5’ 5”). My husband and I stopped by our new house to do some measurements and while we had the measuring tape out, I asked him to measure me… sure enough: 5’ 6”! But I still didn’t believe it so I marked my height on a wall with pencil and measured that… still 5’ 6”! Do you realize what this means??? My body weight is spread out by a full inch more than I previously thought. Yay! My husband thinks I’m a nut case for getting this excited…

Speaking of nut case… has anyone seen Grizzly Man? The documentary about Timothy Treadwell and the grizzly bears of Alaska? Very beautifully done – the scenery was spectacular and the bears and wildlife were amazing. Very interesting film. I love animals. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. All of them. Can’t think of a species of animal that I don’t respect, admire or adore. I respect people who are so passionate about something they believe in – and Timothy Treadwell was very passionate about his love of the grizzlies. Unfortunately, he was also just a tiny bit disturbed. Bless his heart.

Oh, and lastly… I made a HUGE mistake. I bought some natural peanut butter after getting a nagging craving yesterday and I’ve consumed far too much. I think I’ll pour some water in the jar and just throw the damn thing in the trash. I thought maybe I was stronger but I simply can’t be trusted with peanut butter.

Kicked Ass Today, Day 6 of 84

My HIIT rocked this morning and I'm so glad it's out of the way and I can enjoy the rest of my Saturday. The treadmills were all occupied so I did HIIT on the elliptical and followed up with a mile of running on the treadmill at 6 to 6.5 mph. It's a beautiful crisp day and the sun is out so I'm off to walk my dog before the rain comes.

Love to you all,
Rachel

Five for Five, Day 5 of 84

I’m grunting like an old man today. Literally EVERYTHING hurts and I’m lovin’ it. The thing is, I still had an internal argument with myself this morning. Half of me doesn’t want to workout and the other half forces me to keep my self-promises. I have faith next week will be different. The hardest part of working out is getting into the habit and learning to love it. My boss always says if you tell yourself you love it, you’ll eventually start believing it. I love working out. I especially love the leg press. =)

My eating today has been on plan, but I’m feeling extra hungry. Lots of chocolate in the office and I’m doing everything I can to stay away from it. I don’t necessarily want chocolate. I want ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. It’s one of those days…

I spent half my day at the DMV renewing my license and finally changing my last name. I’m wondering how many people put down their accurate body weight… I totally lied, but only because I’m gonna reach my goal in the very near future.

Still feeling kind of off emotionally today. Just not "with it" for some reason.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend.

xo, Rachel

One More in the Books, Day 4 of 84

Decided to do HIIT on the elliptical this morning to give my shins, knee and hamstring a rest. It was a good workout. Eating is right on plan and water isn’t any better (I’m downing a glassful right now though and will drink a gallon by the end of the day I hope).

Every muscle in my body is sore. Don’t have much to say… feeling rather down and blah today. Tomorrow will be better. =)

Member of the Butter Club? Oh, yeah! Day 3 of 84

Had to talk myself out of doing a cardio session instead of my LB workout this morning, but got in there and got it done. My legs are already feeling the muscle soreness. Yay. My abs are already sore, too – it hurts to sneeze. And, more good news… it still hurts like hell to put on my deodorant, comb my hair, take of my shirt, etc. =)

Eating is on plan. Gotta get back in the habit of chugging a gallon plus of water a day. Got out of the habit in Malaysia since we out and about a lot and there’s no guarantee you’ll find anything other than a “squatting toilet” – refused to try using one of those, so my water intake went way down and now I’m out of the habit.

I found the thread at tracker with the Englishman’s HIIT routine. Here’s his post:

"Last night my Cardio HIIT consisted of:
Treadmill at zero incline.
level 5 at 6 mph for 2 minutes.
level 6 at 7 mph for 1 minute.
level 7 at 8 mph for 1 minute.
level 8 at 9 mph for 1 minute.
level 9 at 9.5 mph for 10 minutes.
level 10 at 10 mph for 5 minutes.
Total distance traveled c3 miles.
Warm down

Anyone who can run 3 miles in 20 minutes or under is attaining a good standard of cardio fitness.

This routine is not strict BFL, but I cannot always guarantee a treadmill exceeding 10 mph. Otherwise, my level 10 for BFL HIIT is around 12.5 mph."

He’s an freaking animal!!! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to achieve what he does, but it’s what I aspire to.

Here’s my problem… my hamstring is still acting up today and yesterday afternoon my knee starting feeling uncomfortable when walking up and down the stairs at work. I experienced a little knee pain several months ago, but don’t remember it being as “present” as it was yesterday. As much as I love running and as much as I aspire to be like Chevron, I’ll definitely need to be diligent with cross training to avoid too much injury.

Another One Bites the Dust, Day 2 of 84

Today was HIIT and I really went for it on the treadmill but my high point was way lower than it used to be. Several months ago - before I had to take a break for my shins - I was running at 10 mph for my “10” but today’s high point was 8.6 mph. I’d like to run 3 miles in 20 minutes, but I’ll need to shave a good 14 minutes off my current time. That’s going to be tough. Maybe my goal of 3 miles in 20 minutes is a little too ambitious? There was a thread on tracker a while back and some English fella (can’t remember his name) who passed the physical test for the Royal Navy (or is it Army?) said the true test for an excellent level of fitness is running 3 miles in 20 minutes. Why I’m so concerned about this I don’t know, but I decided that that’s where I need to be. Anyway, today’s workout was (approximately) 480 calories, 3.8 miles and 45 minutes – I followed up my HIIT with some incline walking then steady jogging at 6.0 mph.

I made sure I stretched really well before and after my run, plus I cooled down by walking on my heels and toes and tonight I’ll write the alphabet a few times with my toes… please stay away shin splints. One thing that I noticed after my run is my left hamstring is acting up again. Hopefully the stretching will take care of that, too. Am I getting old or something?

I’ve got to plan for tomorrow’s lower body workout and I’m debating whether to continue BFL-style. I really hate doing leg press and having to get up and add plates in between sets. It’s kind of a pain in the ass. I’d rather just rest during my rest period.

During yesterday’s upper body workout, I really focused my mind on each body part while lifting. It’s the first time I’ve ever really, really focused and although I went down in weights a little since my last workout (5 or 6 weeks ago… yikes), I feel different today than I ever have. The muscle soreness is beyond anything I remember from my previous hiatus in weight lifting. So maybe focusing my mind really made a difference.

Major Personal Victory, Day 1 of 84

I tried talking myself out of my workout this morning about five different times… then I tried talking myself into doing a cardio session instead of weight training… then while working out, I tried talking myself into cutting it short – returning later to finish up. Ha! As if…

I’m pleased to report that I did my complete workout and feel sooooo much better about myself. I don’t know why, but if I don’t workout with weights for an extended time, I lose all desire to do so. It happened to me last year and it was my biggest fear going to Malaysia for so long again this year. Thank gawd it won’t be a self-fulfilling prophecy…

Eating is on plan, water consumption is a little low, but the good news is… I’m back and ready to rock!

I DO NOT totally suck.

Somehow I deleted my 12-week “after” photos from my camera’s memory card. I do have one photo from the day we went snorkeling at Pulau Payar (I believe the date was January 14, 2006), which gives a fairly good idea of the progress made since the fall of 2005. I think it also shows quite a bit of difference since I started this journey to fitness in September of 2004. The progress is slow, but steady and I’m pleased with that. Of course, I’d love to be one of the dramatic transformations that happen in only 12 weeks…


January 14, 2006 - Snorkeling in Pulau Payar, Malaysia


September 19, 2005 - The "Before" photo for my first "Official" by-the-book BFL Challenge



September 7, 2004 - This is really scary. I can't believe I ever let myself get so out of control and out of shape. Never again.







The reason for my title is I’ve got to start paying attention to my goals. My first goal for my torch challenge is to maintain positive self-talk. Telling myself I totally suck isn’t the way to achieve that goal now is it? I have made progress and will continue to make progress until I obtain the body and fitness level that I desire. No more board shorts for me.

I’ve been eating on plan, but haven’t been working out. However, I’m still on target for starting my challenge on Monday and I will make it happen.

I’m trying to identify why my previous challenge didn’t produce the dramatic results I was hoping for. I’ve come to the following conclusions:

Alcohol – I drank too much on too many weekends, which led to several missed workouts.
Portion Sizes – I have a freakishly large appetite. Hypothyroidism is supposed to cause a suppressed appetite. Ha! Not for me. I can eat and eat and eat. Although I was very disciplined with clean eating, I’m afraid I allowed my appetite to get the better of me, so I’ll really do everything in my power to control portion sizes.

I’m a little concerned about possibly having stress fractures in both my shins. Any shin splints should be completely healed by now, but both shins are feeling twinges of pain after running twice last week. My shins have had more than enough rest and my shoes are nearly new. I better make an appointment with a doctor. Fortunately I’ve figured out a killer HIIT program on the elliptical, but I miss the runner’s high and would love be able to set some running goals.

Have a lovely weekend. Looking forward to posting my kick-ass workout come Monday morning.

xo, R.-

I totally suck.

I don’t want to list my numerous “excuses” but let’s just get it out in the open… I haven’t started my Torch Challenge. Although I told myself I’d start on Tuesday rather than waiting till Monday the 13th, things just didn’t happen for me and I’ve let myself down. I’m no longer in “binge mode” but TOM did show up five days early and I’m just feeling blah. I’m also not interested whatsoever in taking new photos for the challenge, but know I’ll regret it if I don’t.

I’m determined to make this my best transformation ever. I’ve definitely come a long way since October 2004. For some odd reason, I just can’t seem to get past the starting blocks. I don’t have any parties or plans this weekend to give me any excuses come Monday, so I’m making a self-promise that I promise to keep: I WILL START MY TORCH CHALLENGE ON MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2006. For sure. No excuses. I will be 100% prepared by this weekend. I will go grocery shopping again. I will take photos, measurements, and update tracker. I will not continue to let myself down.

Also, just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of your support, encouragement and advice. It really means a great deal to me.

Son of a…

Damn Super Bowl parties. Seriously. I’m a hurtin’ unit today. I didn’t get my ass out of bed and to the gym for the first day of my Torch Challenge. Now I don’t know if I should eat clean this week and do my workouts and start my challenge completely fresh on next Monday.

At least I had a great time yesterday. I didn’t eat off plan, but I sure drank enough… Mojitos are delicious and have a way of sneaking up on you.

Bloody hell.

I just visited the torch challenge forum and made the decision to start my challenge tomorrow rather than wait till next Monday.

Here are my goals for the Torch Challenge:

Maintain positive self-talk.
Plan my free meals/days in advance.
Drink a minimum of a gallon of water daily, including free days.
Control portion sizes with each and every meal (big one).
NO alcohol throughout duration of challenge.
NO unplanned or extra free meals, free bites or free-for-alls.
NO missed workouts.
NO EXCUSES.

I’m Finally Psyched for My Julie Challenge!

I’ve got my shopping done for the next week and a half, my journal ready, my iPod loaded up, my supplements (glutamine, CLA, Fish Oils, Hoodia – tried it before and it may have slightly helped my appetite, multi-vitamin), and BEST OF ALL… my motivation and desire have returned. Still not overly excited about lifting weights, but I know I’ll get over that once I get back in the game. Reading everyone’s blogs and fitness goals has really helped spark my desire. Also, I finally watched the Julie Tribute video and though it broke my heart, it fired me up beyond belief so I’m ready baby.

One thing I’ve really been dreading is taking new measurements after the past couple weeks of binge eating. I did a quickie measure this morning and things aren’t as bad as I expected. I’ll do my official photos and measurements on Monday morning and post them to tracker.

I turned 33 yesterday. I’m usually distraught on my birthday. I always hate turning another year older. This is the first birthday in 10 years that I was OK. Yep. 10 years. I started freaking out when I turned 23. What an IDIOT!!!! I’m hoping it was a 10-year phase and that I’ve moved beyond that now. Age is just a number.

I posted a question on tracker that hardly got any attention. Thankfully Jamber and Mari and another member gave me some helpful advice, but I was kinda hoping for more. Or maybe the answer I’m looking for doesn’t exist…?

Basically I’m feeling very embarrassed about the appearance of my ta-ta’s. I’ve always had a nice full B to C cup. My chest hasn’t decreased too much in size, but it’s decreased dramatically in volume and fullness. Also, I’ve noticed one ta-ta has deflated slightly more than the other. Plastic surgery is not an option for me (my husband won’t let me and it’s gonna take years of working on him – and winning the lottery or inheriting a substantial sum for him to agree on spending money on something he considers “superficial”). I thought I’d read a post by The Stone Oak months ago about doing “heavy” chest presses. But I’m not really sure I understand the concept of “lifting heavy” – although I’ve seen lots of fitness competitors mention “lifting heavy” when discussing their workout regimen. The Stone Oak mentioned that he’d worked his way up to a D cup and I’m desperate for any advice that might improve the appearance of my chest. I’m starting to feel like my chest looks like the old lady from There’s Something About Mary… yikes.

EDIT: For those of you who haven't seen the movie... the following are not my actual breasts...!